Be charming

It wasn't maiden-up, the falling or the faded luck

Nothing worth having is ever easy but sometimes I wish stepping back into your life could be. Everywhere I go, I still breathe you in; I exhale thoughts of what it could have been like. I've been working on my frailness of felicity - I think it will pay off. 

I should speak up when I'm happy more often.
I should tell people how I truly feel, not keep it a mystery. I don't want to be an open book but I know I should allow myself to be read.

"I demand unconditional love and complete freedom. [This is] why I am terrible."

To all my fellow RAOL companions:

Check out the link, it may interest you
http://www.booooooom.com/2012/07/02/i-wish-you-were-here-project/

I should be happy, the sun is shining

"Suddenly this defeat.

This rain.

The blue gone grey

and the browns gone grey

and yellow

a terrible amber.

In the cold streets 

your warm body.

In whatever room

your warm body.

Among all the people

your absence.

The people who are always

not you.

I have been easy with the trees 

too long.

Too familiar with the mountains.

Joy has been a habit.

Now

suddenly

this rain."

Water

I often fear there is water in my bones. It runs through my arms and my legs at an alarming rate, but it is trapped. It floods my mind. There is nowhere for it to go. It is as though there’s a faucet that has been switched off, and there is no way to turn it back on. It is impractical to tear through delicate flesh, so I am afraid it might stay that way. But why would something important be so inaccessible? There are locks all over town, fencing in the roadways, which are my arteries and veins. Pins stuck through maps marking the places I’ve been, but inhibiting me from going anywhere else. Free me of this prison.

We were free and easy then

We were free and easy then
Our minds were maps and we were the ones who drew them

Paint would laugh

We were giddy and silly

The world was our oyster – we were the pearls

Delicate little pearls

We danced feverishly

We danced in the rain and through the falling leaves

In the early hours of the morning, through late ones on a summer’s eve

The sun would want to go to bed, we just wanted to laugh

We were steam engines

Everything was glad of us

Keys to our hearts fit locks all over town

We were free and easy then

The conversations are always best when the lids are heavy and we need some rest.

Cedar trees

I want to know your roots and what makes you stand so tall, despite your small beginnings. What makes you blossom and bloom, and what makes you want to fall away and drop everything. I want to know what swirls around you when your mind is windy, and what elements you can best withstand. How much sunlight do you need? And who relies on you to breathe each day? Who has tried to climb your branches but fallen off? Were you a wild seed, or were you carefully planted and groomed? How long does it take for you to heal when your bark’s been compromised? More subtle than a weeping willow, less common than oak. Cedar reminds me of you, but only because I love how it smells. Are you more comfortable in a forest, or do you stand alone? I want to know what the rings around your insides look like, and if they’d reflect your age.

We used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love

And now I'm up late again writing poetry into the morning.
I don't think there is going to be much sleep in my future.

Sunday

Affectionately you play with my hair
As you rest your head on my chest
You sit there, laughing, as I take it all in
You cozy me and I do the same
We laugh and you look into my eyes
I haven't seen you like this for awhile.
The smoke flares up and the wind dances, blowing ashes into my face
My eyes twinge and sting as water collects in the corners
You wipe the artificial tears away
At this point you're still holding me close

A letter to Scottie Fitzgerald from her father :

Our love is dead but without limit, 
like the surface of the moon 
or the land between here and the mountains.
Well, it is not these hiding places
that have kept us innocent 
but the way you taught me to just let it all go by.
And so we've learned to be as faithless, 
stand behind bulletproof glass,
exchanging our affections through a drawer. 
And it was always horribly convenient
and happening too fast
You should count your change before you're even out the door
Yes, you should - but please...

Return, return to the person that you were
And I will do the same, 
cause it is too hard to belong to someone who is gone. 
My compass spins. The wilderness remains.

Once too often, I have retreated 
into the depths of my despair.
I built a barricade to block you on the road. 
I was standing there with all of my possessions 
piled higher than a house, 
I felt closer to you than you ever would have known.
So let these tiny acts of charity 
be common ground on which to build 
the monument that will commemorate our times. 
And though, you swear you've found another 
who will surely speed you on your way,
don't let the forest grow over that path you came there by. 
But you will, so...

So hurry up and run to the one that you love. 
And blind him with your kindness.
And he'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
And claim all that has spoiled in your heart.

Now, I tell myself I've mended 
under these patches of blue sky.
There are still a few holes that let in a little rain. 
And it's been crying on my shingles.
My floorboards moan under my feet. 
The refrigerator is whining, so I've got reason to complain. 
But I am not gonna bless you with such compliments,
some degrading psalm of praise, 
like the kind that converted you to me so long ago.
Because the truth is that gossip's as good as gospel in this town,
You can save face but you won't ever save your soul. 
And that's a fact.

So hurry up and run to the one that you love
And tie him up in your likeness,
And he'll become, become the prisoner I was
And know all that has spoiled in your heart
And know all that has spoiled in your heart

So hurry up and run to the one that you love
And blind him with your kindness
And he'll make war, old war, on who you were before
And claim all that has spoiled in your heart
Yeah, he'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart

(So hurry up and run to the one that you love
And blind him with your kindness
And he'll make war, old war, on who you were before
And claim all that has spoiled in your heart
Yeah, he'll claim all that has spoiled...)

Part II

I feel like we still know each other

It’s all a flashback but this time it’s in colour

There’s no need for tears

We still melt against each other just the same

But am I not the same?

You say I am; you contradict yourself

It’s a routine

Swinging back and forth

Falling in and out

Disintegrating laughter

Tight-lipped smiles

We’ll continue to swerve down the wrong lanes

Speed, even in traffic

And make new roadways

It’s a construction zone

We don’t mind

You're doing your best, you're doing your best

While I was brushing my teeth I was thinking

And I kept thinking

And I thought so hard about what to say 

And now it's gone away, and that's what usually happens

Then I get frustrated

I suffer from a perpetually agonized mind, as I swim in my own thoughts,

rather drown in them

It's getting better

It's much worse than it's ever been

No it's not

I remember thinking about how they leave though

How everyone leaves and you get so miserably lonely and you can't function because it just hurts too much to move

And they keep leaving

And you hear yourself running

And your heart is empty

And you keep running

And you hear the floorboards creak under footsteps that never rest

The footsteps turn back into sprints and the creaking doesn't sound so much like creaking anymore, and you realize maybe you never even really stopped running in the first place, and maybe the creaking was a figment of your imagination and then you keep on going and you're running out of breath

(Like you even had any)

And you realize the ground is splintering underneath you as your feet pound the oak

But you realize the oak is your heart

And it always has been 

And the oak in your heart is cold, and old, and cracking, and creaking 

(Again)

Then you forget about all of this for a little while and everything is normal and where are you while this is happening and who were you three years ago and where will you go and when will this stop and why do you even bother sharing when you know regret drips into your mind while you sleep (when you sleep)

I find it exhausting being the friend that each person in my life needs.

Nothing mattered

because time stood still and I had you

One of my favourite ballads - The Rain Song

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom
Speak to me only with your eyes, it is to you I give this tune
Ain't so hard to recognize - these things are clear to all from
time to time

Talk talk talk talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go
I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
But I know that I love you so
But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion 
And like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I seek the torch we all must hold
This is the mystery of the quotient - upon us all, upon us all a little rain must fall...
It's just a little rain

Just an idea

Maybe towards the very end of the year, since initially we were all afraid to share our memoirs, we could start reading some to the class? I know a lot of us are very curious to hear quite a few of them, and this way we won't have to deal with facing many of our classmates much longer if we are embarrassed by them.

Everyone goes through a fragile growth to come to terms with their past indiscretions  

Reminders

Words so hateful; words so pure

We remember how they felt, the weight of them on our bones

The heat of them in our blood, the hours of sleep lost to them

We run our fingers along the love hidden in creased sheets of paper

Love for only our eyes

Words we read and memories recalled

They turn the corners of lips

But tears dissolve the smiles and wash away fabrications of reality

Displaying the scars we all have